שכבנו על הספה, מחובקים, חזה אל חזה.
"את מפחדת ממני? מהפתיחות ומהישירות שלי?" שאלתי אותה
"לא, אני לא מפחדת ממך" – ענתה –
"אבל מעניין אותי לדעת איך אתה שומר על הלב שלך?"
הלב שלי ואני יצאנו לדרך
אף פעם לא ידעתי לשמור על הלב שלי
ובגלל זה הוא נשבר כל כך הרבה פעמים.
אבל למה?
למה הלב נשבר כל כך מהר
גם כשמערכת היחסים קצרה יחסית ולא מבשילה להיכרות מעמיקה?
למה אנחנו מתאהבים כל כך מהר
ועד כמה זה בכלל קשור לזהות הצד השני?
ובמה בכלל אנחנו מתאהבים?
השאלה שלה החזירה אותי אל אחד הציוצים הכי משמעותיים שחוויתי בטוויטר.
הציוץ ששלח אותי לחשוב
באחד הערבים,
קצת אחרי שהתחלתי לצייץ את #חצי_פייק_מחפש_אהבה ,
החליטה צייצנית שאני מאוד אוהב (למרות שמעולם לא פגשתי אותה)
לשחק עם הפיד "אמת או חובה"
"אמת" עניתי לה והשאלה שלה שלחה אותי לחשוב לא מעט:
יתכן שאתה לוקח את הדייטים כפרוייקט רציונלי?
אז חשבתי והגבתי לה בתגובה ארוכה ומפורטת,
אבל מאז המשכתי לחשוב על זה לא מעט.
האם אנחנו מתאהבים במישהי או במשהו?
ניסיתי לחשוב למה אני נוטה לתאהב בסערה,
התאהבות שאין לה באמת בסיס רציונלי ובכלל,
במה בעצם אני מתאהב?
אני פוגש מישהי, הערב עובר בכייף,
אני מזהה אצלה סממנים ותכונות שאני אוהב:
מראה (שטחי ורדוד? זו המציאות, זה הדבר הראשון שאנחנו נחשפים אליו),
מבט ומבע, שיחה ועניין, משיכה, מגע.
כשהשילוב של הדברים האלה מתקיים,
נוצרת תקווה שמאוד קל להפוך אותה להבטחה
ובזה בעצם אנחנו מתאהבים.
אנחנו רצים בדמיון אל איזה שהוא עתיד ורוד
כשכל מה שקרה עד עכשיו זה רק שורה של סימוני וי
על איזה שהוא צ'קליסט שיש לנו בראש ואז מופיע הפחד.
פחד גדול לאבד משהו שהוא בכלל לא שלך
ומכאן הדרך מאוד מהירה לאבד את הראש,
כי הפחד הזה גורם להתנהגות שיכולה לכבוש את הצד השני בסערה
וברגע שה"כיבוש" הושלם, היתה לי נטיה לאבד עניין.
מצד שני ההתנהגות הזו יכולה לגרום לצד השני לטרן-אוף רציני
ולא משנה מה משני התרחישים קורה,
גם אם הלב לא נשבר לגמרי, הוא בהחלט עובר טלטלה.
אז איך אני שומר על הלב שלי?
בדיוק על ידי הכנסת הרציונל למשוואה, כי ברגשות אין שום הבדל.
ברגשות אנחנו לא שולטים,
אף אחד מאיתנו וגם אלה שנדמה לנו שעושים את זה ולעיתים אנחנו מקנאים בהם,
מה שהם בעצם עושים זה לפעול לפי הרגש
ולאחר מכן להלביש עליו רציונל
כדי לשכנע את עצמם שהם פעלו מתוך חשיבה שקולה וקרה.
מה שכן השתנה אצלי בזכות אותה תוספת של רציונל למשוואה
זה היכולת להתמודד עם הרגשות ולהכיל אותן.
הן עדיין קיימות, בעוצמה גבוהה, אבל אני מצליח לתפקד גם איתן.
לחשוף את הטריק
זה כמו קוסם שאתה מתרשם מאוד מהקסמים שלו
ואז אתה מגלה איך הוא עושה אותם.
ברוב המקרים תמשיך להתלהב מהקסם,
אבל האפקט שלו עליך כבר לא יהיה דרמטי באותה מידה.
הפחד הזה עדיין קיים, עדיין שם לגמרי,
אבל הוא הרבה פחות מנהל אותי מבעבר
ואם בעבר פרידה היתה משביתה אותי מעשייה, היום המצב שונה.
גם היום כשההבטחה לא מתממשת זה כואב,
לפעמים אפילו מאוד כואב,
אבל לרגע אני לא שוכח שזו רק הבטחה שנשענה על בסיס רעוע
ויכול להיות שאחרי שהיינו מכירים לעומק זה היה מצליח ויכול להיות שלא.
אני זוכר לאורך כל הדרך שהפסאודו התאהבות הזו בהתחלה
נשענת רק על תסריט שרץ לנו בראש, בלי בסיס אמיתי,
בלי שאנחנו באמת מכירים את הצד השני.
אז גם כשאני מפחד וגם כשזה כואב,
אני לא מדחיק את הרגשות ואני נותן להן מקום,
אבל מצליח להמשיך ולתפקד.
אז איך אני שומר על הלב שלי?
אני לא באמת שומר עליו במאה אחוז ולמען האמת אני גם לא ממש רוצה,
כי זה חלק מהקסם שנקרא להתאהב.
אני בעיקר מנסה לתת לו תמיכה
ורשת ביטחון כדי שכאב הלב לא יהפוך להתנפצות לרסיסים.
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